Recall alert: How demons possessed the LED Mercedes logo | Auto Expert John Cadogan

If you’re a tasteless, rich, compulsive tool in ‘Murica, I’m here today to explain how someone recently left the gate open in Hell, thus allowing demons to possess your Mercedes, while the rest of us spectate, with an air of bemused sympathy.

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Americans were informed by Mercedes of America on Friday that anyone lacking the good taste to refrain from installing the optional illuminated triple-point suppository logo for the grille of their GLE 350, 450, or 580, or their GLS 450 or 580, could find demons in possession of the electrical earth.

Demons. Demons with no taste and a poor grasp of aesthetics - but still demons. From hell. (The pit.)

Hilariously, this grounding defect might be shared with the power steering control unit, the wiper motor and/or the left headlamp, depending on how haphazardly the … let’s call him … ‘technician’ installed the … ‘feature’. #’Engineered like no other car’. Thankfully.

According to Suppository of ‘Murica, possession by demons might cause the steering, wipers and/or headlamp to (quote) “malfunction”. If that happens:

“This could increase the risk of a crash.”

You think? ‘Mazing. Upliftingly, according to official National Highway Traffic Safety Administration documentation, Suppository of ‘Murica has managed to find 12,799 chronic CMD sufferers wealthy enough to tick the box for the optionally illuminated ‘CMD star’, as I just decided it should henceforth be known. And that’s just this year.

CMD is, of course, Compulsive Masturbatory Disorder - a terrible affliction that strikes down the recently wealthy, usually in their prime. The Mayo Clinic is working hard on a cure, thus far unsuccessfully. The best they’ve managed at this point is this simple screening test for the wealthy.

If you think this is a nice idea, you’ve probably got the CMD gene. The test is over 99 per cent accurate.

According to the Suppository of ‘Murica website, the CMD Star costs just $500 - and no extra charge for botching the wiring. You can even compliment it with the LED-illuminated running boards (just $650) - if you prefer the full ‘CMD Starship Suppository’ look.

You don’t even need a Mercedes-Benz donor vehicle to take full advantage of this incredible CMD-for-yourself opportunity, to experience how the other half live. With a jigsaw and some duct tape (perhaps some caulking compound if you want to do it ‘fancy’) you could experience CMD for yourself, at a fraction of the cost of the real thing, perhaps behind the wheel of an ageing Hyundai Excel or even mum’s Camry. What an upgrade! She’ll never even know.

Installation’s a breeze, too. Provided, of course, you remember not to short out the steering, the wipers or the lights - but, hey, only a Muppet would make a mistake like that.